2023 Was Not It But I'm Hopeful for 2024

 I have had my share of challenges in my life, but I would have to say as far as having just a hard year in general 2023 would definitely be that for me. I wasn't just one specific thing but a combination of things that when all combined made it an extremally challenging year.  

 At the beginning of the year I was really struggling with my health-like really struggling. I was so tired I could barely function. We were traveling a lot at the time-back and forth to Oregon to see Chloe and I was also trying to finish up a certification I had to have done for work. Combine both of those on top of everyday life as a mom and wife, my job as a teacher, and the extra work required to take care of Bryce's medical needs and I was plain out right exhausted.  At first I just thought all of this was taking a toll on my body and was just causing me to be extra tired. I got to the point where I could barely get up in the mornings and when I would get home after work I couldn't stay awake I would fall asleep for the night by 5 pm. I knew something was not right. Several people suggested I might be depressed or something like that. I knew deep down that was not the case. I found a functional medicine doctor who really took the time to listen to me. After having some lab work done, he discovered that my iron levels were severely low (anemic) and I had some other areas of concern as well. He said he was surprised I was even able to get up in the mornings-trust me I really wasn't but had just been forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. He ordered iron infusions for me and after 6 rounds of those I finally started to feel like I could function again. 

Another physical challenge I dealt with all through the year of 2023 was chronic migraines. I'm talking 15 plus a month. I was having more good days than bad. I have dealt with these since I was 12 years old, but they had just been getting worse and more frequent with time. It was really starting to get to me. I would just wake up everyday planning on not feeling well or that I would be getting a headache. It was draining and exhausting both physically and mentally. My functional medicine doctor tried some supplements and hormone regulation to see if that would help but we weren't making much progress. I finally was able to get into a specialist and have been working with him the past few months. I think we are seeing some positive results. I am keeping my fingers crossed at least and I am hopeful that we will find a solution. The goal is to get to the point where I have 5 or less migraines a month-I can't even imagine that day, but I hope it will be achieved in 2024. 

Despite dealing with both of these physical problems I was able to finish up my certification for work-which was a huge relief and accomplishment for me. It also allowed me to start to work on something else I know I have needed to for years. My mental health and state of happiness. 

This was something I have been telling myself I needed to do for years. I needed to find a therapist and work through some stuff that had been weighing me down for a very long time. I just didn't even know where to start, but with a recommendation I found someone. I had a lot from my past I was holding onto and that was causing me feelings of guilt, not being loved, and just a lot of stress and anxiety. I couldn't sleep well. I was anxious and unhappy. I had serious issues of abandonment, caused by the fact that was how I felt by both my biological and adoptive father. I kept being disappointed over and over again in regards to those relationships. The therapist really helped me with this and helped me let go of some of those feelings and redefine those relationships. I didn't make everything better but it helped me be able to see things in a different way. I also had some other relationships, two specifically, with other family members that I needed to work through. These were both even harder for me, than dealing with my daddy issues. I had to really talk through things and set some firm boundaries for myself. This caused some problems and a ripple in the family. People didn't understand, they thought I was being harsh, or that I needed to apologize, or I should just let things go and not stir things up. This caused me to learn to have hard conversations with people. It made me learn to be okay with saying no or I don't agree, or I'm not doing that anymore. In the end I think there are some people that still don't fully understand but I am am piece with my decisions and at least one of my relationships is better than it has been in years.

During this all, like I said a ripple was caused in the family. This also trickled down to other people. Some things happened and I ended up being hurt deeper than I ever have before by someone I loved. It was a really really hard thing for me and I am still trying to move on and not dwell on it. 

One other thing I learned from all of this on top of being able to have hard conversations and express myself was that it was okay to let other people see me cry. It was okay for them not to see me as always being strong and having it all together. I could cry and it wouldn't change their opinion of me. My therapist also after months of work said I was ready to be done with therapy for now. I had done the work and was ready to move on. This doesn't mean I might not need it in the future, but for now I have made progress and I felt really great about that, even though some relationships aren't where I would like them to be I now have the tools to use when the time arises. 

So as you can see 2023 was not easy. It was downright hard. But I made it through, and I really do have a positive outlook going into 2024. Life isn't perfect and I still have things I need to work on. I plan to continue to work on striving to find the peace and happiness I am working to attain. I feel like I have a good start now. I'm on a good path and I hope to keep moving forward in a positive way. One thing I learned in 2023 was that I am stronger than I think I am, and that I have a core support system that will always be there for me-my husband, mom, close friends, kids. 

As I look back on the year I realize just how much I have to be thankful for despite my struggles.

(1) Bryce was thriving and making progress in many areas. He has found a great core group of friends both in the neighborhood and at school-they know about his feeding tube and they don't bat an eye if he hooks up to his pump while they are over at our house, to them it is just normal now. They also accept his eating habits and realize he will eat special foods. They embrace his love of crocs and his other silly quirks and we couldn't be more grateful. We know that it is definitely a unique situation and group of kids.

(2) We were also very blessed in 2023 to do a lot of traveling. We were able to visit so many places in Oregon when we went to watch Chloe play softball. We saw a lot of sights (the ocean, waterfalls, and many other major landmarks), some Bryce and I had never been to before and a few even Landon hadn't. Bryce and I were also able to travel to Arizona to visit my Mom and go to Great Wolf Lodge, and went to California and Sea World with my sister as well. Our whole family was able to take a trip to Lake Havasu and it was the first time in awhile where all the kids have been together and really enjoyed each others company. 

(3)We got one more summer of softball with Chloe, playing travel ball on Landon's team, and we made the most of our time together as a family on those trips.

(4) We were able to use our house to gather those we love on numerous occasions. We hosted 4th of July, Halloween, Labor Day, and Christmas and were surrounded by so many of our family and close friends.

(5) I also have two loyal puppies who are willing to snuggle me or go on a walk anytime I need it. They bring a lot of comfort to me on hard days. 

Looking at these things makes the hard times I faced in 2023 not seem quite so bad.

Going in to the new year I really want to work on self care. I'm going to take time to enjoy the little things-movie nights with Bryce, family pickleball games, taking a bubble bath, drinking some hot tea and snuggling up in my blanket to read a book, getting a vanilla coke from the soda shop and stop thinking I need to be busy or working on something constantly but just taking moments to really enjoy life. Here's to a bright new year with lots of possibilities.